După calculele mele, mai am puțin timp.
Mereu socotesc timpul ca și cum acesta s-ar sfârși subit mâine, în fiecare mâine, spre seară.
Timpul e un motiv recurent. Timpul nu poate fi avut, așa cum nici noi nu putem fi avuți în timp.
Iar eu nu fac parte din categoria oamenilor ce vor să aibă, ci din cea a celor ce vor să facă.
Desigur, mereu las lucrurile pe jumătate spuse. Deși le gândesc până la capăt.
Când spun totul, mi-e teamă că am să mă răzgândesc mai târziu.
Sunday, October 30
Thursday, October 27
Evermore
Totul în jurul tău e important. Deschide ochii! Nu pierde frunza ce pică, picătura ce picură, stropul de soare ce mai atârnă leneș în colțul ferestrei.
Nu pierde nimic pentru zilele când îți dai seama cât de neimportant e totul. Când trecute prin ciur, se risipesc toate în indiferență, lăsând în urmă bolovanul din piept. Nu ai făcut destul, nu ai trăit destul! Respiră mai repede, aleargă mai tare, timpul nu e de ajuns!
Încerc să socotesc câte vieți mi-ar trebui să pot face tot ce e de făcut, să văd tot nevăzutul, să înțeleg necunoscutul, să învăț limbile pământului, să trăiesc tot necuprinsul ocean de experiențe care mă așteaptă, mă cheamă, câte vieți mi-ar trebui să iubesc până la capăt, la câte vieți aș renunța ca să te pot iubi până la capăt...
Nu pierde nimic pentru zilele când îți dai seama cât de neimportant e totul. Când trecute prin ciur, se risipesc toate în indiferență, lăsând în urmă bolovanul din piept. Nu ai făcut destul, nu ai trăit destul! Respiră mai repede, aleargă mai tare, timpul nu e de ajuns!
Încerc să socotesc câte vieți mi-ar trebui să pot face tot ce e de făcut, să văd tot nevăzutul, să înțeleg necunoscutul, să învăț limbile pământului, să trăiesc tot necuprinsul ocean de experiențe care mă așteaptă, mă cheamă, câte vieți mi-ar trebui să iubesc până la capăt, la câte vieți aș renunța ca să te pot iubi până la capăt...
...mai mult de șapte.
Monday, October 24
Till Death Do Us
S-au schimbat multe fără să se schimbe nimic.
S-au schimbat multe fiindcă nu s-a schimbat nimic.
Și nu e vina nimănui că viața merge înainte.
Ne naștem cu moartea în suflet. Toate lucrurile se nasc cu moartea în burtă. Ea crește și crește, ca umbra Pământului pe lună, și le înghite treptat până ce nu mai sunt.
"I'm trying to wean myself off you," mi-a spus Allen odată, într-o altă viață, și nu l-am înțeles.
S-au schimbat multe fiindcă nu s-a schimbat nimic.
Și nu e vina nimănui că viața merge înainte.
Ne naștem cu moartea în suflet. Toate lucrurile se nasc cu moartea în burtă. Ea crește și crește, ca umbra Pământului pe lună, și le înghite treptat până ce nu mai sunt.
"I'm trying to wean myself off you," mi-a spus Allen odată, într-o altă viață, și nu l-am înțeles.
Abia acum...
Wednesday, October 19
Toxic
I've realized that I need some sort of emotional satisfaction, no matter how little, so that I'm able to function. I am an emotional being. Does that make me weak?
Missing you is paralyzing. Unable to work, study, or do anything that requires reason, basically. I didn't realize that seeing you for, oh, so little would make me feel so much better. Get me back on track.
I despise this lack of independence. I envy drug addicts--they can simply buy their way to bliss.
Missing you is paralyzing. Unable to work, study, or do anything that requires reason, basically. I didn't realize that seeing you for, oh, so little would make me feel so much better. Get me back on track.
I despise this lack of independence. I envy drug addicts--they can simply buy their way to bliss.
Saturday, October 15
Train Travel (7)
Going through life with your hand brake on.
Not allowing yourself to enjoy things fully. Because it's not right, because it should be different, because it's not meant to be.
Sentence fragments. Life fragments.
But again, how could it be wrong when it feels so right?
Which way to go? All my doubts shattered by the candor of a smile.
There are things in life you cannot fake.
Let go, fall off the cliff, or take a fulfilling, though secondhand, path?
I'm mid-fall, not looking back for one second. But I still keep my hand brake on.
Not allowing yourself to enjoy things fully. Because it's not right, because it should be different, because it's not meant to be.
Sentence fragments. Life fragments.
But again, how could it be wrong when it feels so right?
Which way to go? All my doubts shattered by the candor of a smile.
There are things in life you cannot fake.
Let go, fall off the cliff, or take a fulfilling, though secondhand, path?
I'm mid-fall, not looking back for one second. But I still keep my hand brake on.
"I'm pathetic, ain't I?"
"A bit."
Tuesday, October 11
Train Travel (6)
My ex was bothered by the fact that I would pronounce "ears" and "years" the same. I wonder if this can be considered a reason for divorce.
Stream error.
"Other things are important."
"What other things?"
"Just ... other ones...."
"Other ones or one?"
One. Only one. Bowing to the God of Love.
I was frightfully relaxed this last time I saw you. And became terribly worried at your expression.
Still, I couldn't manage to say goodbye. None of the customary phrases fit. They sounded horrible even in my head.
"I'll call you," you said, and I had to keep myself from bursting into laughter. You haven't called me in seven years.
I miss your booty calls. So much innocence. There is a sort of purity in intimacy, I guess.
We went counterclockwise. Evolved the other way around. First, there was light. The flash. Merciless. And the blue of your eyes.
"Take care," you said. Yeah, that's a good goodbye.
Stream error.
"Other things are important."
"What other things?"
"Just ... other ones...."
"Other ones or one?"
One. Only one. Bowing to the God of Love.
I was frightfully relaxed this last time I saw you. And became terribly worried at your expression.
Still, I couldn't manage to say goodbye. None of the customary phrases fit. They sounded horrible even in my head.
"I'll call you," you said, and I had to keep myself from bursting into laughter. You haven't called me in seven years.
I miss your booty calls. So much innocence. There is a sort of purity in intimacy, I guess.
We went counterclockwise. Evolved the other way around. First, there was light. The flash. Merciless. And the blue of your eyes.
"Take care," you said. Yeah, that's a good goodbye.
"The flowers smell sweeter the closer you are to the grave."
Friday, October 7
Train Travel (5)
"I cannot be until you're resting here with me...."
I found it amusing that you actually seemed to believe what you were saying. I've learned better by now.
"I am what I am...." What a cliche! So true, though.
Jeez, turn the music up. I don't want to know anything about that priest who posts his sermons and advice on Facebook. Please spare me. My universe needs no priests. I create my own gods. I build them temples and knee before their idols.Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. I shall not.
Crank it up! Music is my idol tonight.
Kid, stop stumbling over my foot, FGS! The fact that I have my earphones on doesn't mean I can't feel you.
I found it amusing that you actually seemed to believe what you were saying. I've learned better by now.
"I am what I am...." What a cliche! So true, though.
Jeez, turn the music up. I don't want to know anything about that priest who posts his sermons and advice on Facebook. Please spare me. My universe needs no priests. I create my own gods. I build them temples and knee before their idols.Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. I shall not.
Crank it up! Music is my idol tonight.
Kid, stop stumbling over my foot, FGS! The fact that I have my earphones on doesn't mean I can't feel you.
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